I have gotten in fights before.
Thats just who I am. I’ve come light years on patience and calm.
But, yes, I have gotten in fights before. Physical and verbal. A long time ago.
However, this one opponent and I have been beating the crap out of each other for years.
Beauty and I have been fighting forever.
We have been intense sparing partners for many rounds. Beauty has taken me straight to the mat before. Knocked out with one punch. Other times, I manage to duck the jabs. Dodged the hits on the ropes. A few times, I have even heard the bell ding in my favor. Not many, but a few.
This does not make me unique. It makes me completely relatable. Everybody knows those moments. Those times when you just hate it.
You don’t understand how it can still be true, that you aren’t beautiful. Or don’t measure up.That you just aren’t what you hoped you’d be. Those moments when you feel like reality smacks you in the face that you aren’t as perfect as you want.
Like when I was in second grade I pretended I didn’t like dance class so I made my mother take me out because I really was embarrassed about how i looked in the leotard. I loved dance.
Or when in middle school a girl told me that I needed bra sooner than the other girls because I was fat.
Or in high school when the child I babysat asked why I had so many dark spots on my face.
Or in college when a guy felt the need to yell at me and tell me I was “Fat as F—k”
Or when a guy stopped asking me out when his friends gave him a hard time about how I looked.
Those are the times I can close my eyes. And remember. That nope, I’m not beautiful. Nope. Im not the standard that the world wants.
But here is the thing, those are just fleeting moments. Really and truly, I think I’m beautiful.
But seriously y’all, I am actually quite pretty.
I have really pretty blonde hair. Like I love how long it is and the way it catches the light.
I have big boobs. I like that I have big boobs. I think they’re neat. (Im seriously sorry if this weirds you out, but if you’re new around here, Im kinda blunt)
I have really great legs. My calves are really nice even though I don’t work out. (But like, I hate moving)
My wrists are really pretty.
I like the color of my eyes.
I can tan really easily.
And me listing all of those is where a lot of women get uncomfortable. They start to not relate to me anymore.
They feel like I shouldn’t being saying those things. I am not supposed to think I’m pretty. We would never say that out loud. But the thats the truth, any girl, especially a girl like me, is supposed to look in the mirror and not be happy. It really makes us uncomfortable if thats not the status quo.
But, guys. Most days I wake up and I feel really pretty.
And everything in the world tells me, subtly and sometimes not so subtly, that I shouldn’t.
Because its not that weird for me to say I’m smart. Or that I’m funny.
But its not really okay for me to tell people that I think I’m beautiful.
This post is not about me being humble. Its about me being obedient. And thats what so awesome about Jesus. He made me. So I happy sharing what God made. He made a girl thats funny, smart and beautiful. I love that is offensive to the world. Its supposed to be.
Its not logical that I should feel beautiful. I have literally been told many times that I am not beautiful. That I am not what guys want.
But still, buried deep within me is the horrible,awful,secret that I feel like I am actually really quite beautiful.
I feel like the biggest type of rebel when I walk around knowing that everything tells me I shouldn’t feel this way. But I do anyway.
How did I get here? How did I go from that second grade girl who quit dancing?
I realized that beauty was taking up way too much space in my life. I like laughing. I like Wendy’s. I like being goofy. I like wearing fun clothes. And really tall high heels even though it makes me look awkward.
I realized that the world was telling me the only thing I needed to know about myself was about my beauty.
I realized that the every Christian women’s conference I went to spent the whole time telling me I am beautiful and all that made me think was that beauty was all that mattered.
I never heard that Jesus thought I was smart. Or that Jesus thought I was creative. or kind. or funny.
I realized that beauty was such a big issue in my life simply because it was such a big issue.
I realized that there will always be a more beautiful woman in the room. Always. I will never get to the top. None of us will.
And I realized that I really liked dancing even if look fat in leotards.
I am not saying that there are not times when I don’t feel devastated about my looks, of course there is. Just like when I get answer wrong in Contracts and I think I am so stupid that I’ll fail law school miserably and have to work at the Holiday Inn for the rest of my life.
But then, I realize thats unreasonable. I will do fine in law school.Similarly, even though I have days when my jeans are too tight or in horror I realize that there is pool party on my calendar, I really am a beautiful person.
And i know that this hurdle is way harder for some people to jump. And I don’t make light of that. But I promise you, I had a long way to go.
Like an unbelievably long way to go. But that’s why I love HIm.
He just sorta got in my heart and said
"Sarah, this is your life. You either sit there and navel gaze about how ugly you are or live it. Live it obediently and be my vessel.Stop looking at yourself, and look at the world. They need me. Honor me with your beauty"
So i freaking did. I did my hair, bought a cute outfit, held my head up and just lived like I believed I was beautiful. And over time, I wasn’t pretending anymore. I really felt that I was beautiful. It really wasn’t harder than that.
I loved Jesus enough to love myself. And to be honest with myself. It was the least I could do for him.
So I am really pretty. I am beautiful. And I like the fact that I am beautiful.
I have bad days. But i know that if I don’t get married one day its not because I didn’t make the cut. I just lived the life God had for me. Wendy’s and all.
So I guess me and Beauty are frenemies. But whatever, she can still come to my pool party.